Sunday, May 2, 2010
Finding My Way
It seems that one week I will have figured out the very essence of life and then the next week - I can't remember why I am doing what I am doing. Maybe that's why I like writing. It helps me keep track of all these random ups and downs, brilliant ideas, and boring thoughts. Later when I look back at what I have written, I am sometimes amazed at some of my insights. Like I didn't have them at all. Someone else did and I just typed. And then other times I am horrified at how mundane it all seems. But perhaps that is how life is. Moments of clarity followed by longer moments of fog. I heard someone compare people to the twinkle lights on Christmas trees. Basically blinking on and off at random times. Aware one moment and lost in a dream world the next. Its amazing any of us get anything done. Its equally amazing we are capable of communicating at all. My three year old granddaughter is the personification of my thought process. She will come up to me and say, "Read this book! Oh look at the cat! Tigers are orange. My knee hurts." Hard to know exactly what to do with that little three year young conversation. I might try to read the book to her but her knee hurting was what was really going on. Its sort of trial and error with little kids. And with me too. I think I want one thing, but in reality something else is really bothering me and I don't want to deal with it. If I have a sudden urge for chocolate, for example, it probably means I am upset about something, or about to have a feeling. But frankly, I'd rather have chocolate than a feeling. It's just hard to do all this deciphering. It's like a code. chocolate = sadness. Boredom = fear. Maybe. Or maybe it just means I am actually bored, or hungry. I am still trying to figure it all out.