God Thoughts: Waiting

In an earlier post I talked about my “talks” with God.   Here is another one I had just a couple of days ago.

P: Hey God.

G: Yeah.

P: You know that big dream I have?

G: Yeah.

P: Well I am having a hard time waiting for it.

G: Uh hmm…

P: Well, you know - it’s going to take such a long time and…

G: Why do you think it’s going to take a long time?

P: Well, it’s just so big.

G: So?

P: So, I mean a lot of things have to happen.  Money things, house things, people things.

G: And?

P: Well those things don’t just happen overnight.

G: Why do you think that?

P: Because that is reality.

G: Whose reality?

P: My… reality.

G: Exactly.

P: So what do you mean?

G: I mean you always live in YOUR reality.  Which is well, very limited.  So of course you think things are going to happen slowly.

P: Are you saying I shouldn’t be realistic?

G: What is realistic? If you mean by REAListic - - your temporal world,  then it is important for you to behave according to the natural laws of the universe. But you have to leave room for ME to move.  If you don’t want me to move – or don’t expect it – why should I surprise you?  I really do try to give you mostly what you want. On the other hand if you have some expectancy… I might surpass your expectations.

P: You mean you could make things happen faster?

G: Sure, if you will let me.

P: How do I do that?

G: You have to have that….little thing called FAITH.

P: Ugh. That again.

G: Well, you have enough faith to be talking to me right now.

P: Yeah, but this could be my imagination.

G: True.  But it COULD be ME.

P: True….

G: Why not pick door number 2? What difference would it make?

P: Well, if you are just my overactive imagination then I will be disappointed.

G: And if I am not your imagination?

P: Well, then I guess maybe, big things could happen.

G: And even if huge things didn’t happen instantly, and if you kept believing and you saw something really occur – what then?

P: Well… it might mean you were more than my imagination.

G: Have I kept my word in the past when I said I would do something?

P: Well, yes, mostly.   Ok. Yes.

G: Have there been things that have happened in your life that you prayed to me about and when they happened it seemed either really coincidental or maybe even actually miraculous?  Yes or no?

P: Yes.

G: One thing, a couple of things?

P: Lots of things.

G:  Not bad for your “imagination”.

P: Ok. You are right.

G: Hmmm.  Seems like there is no downside to a healthy dose of faith.

P: What about the disappointment thing?

G: Well, you’ll just have to wait and see.

P: So we get back to the waiting thing.

G: Has it occurred to you that your dream has already happened?

P: Uh, no.

G: Or is in the process of happening. That what you are living right now IS part of the dream.  The delicious anticipation. The planning. The imagining.  That is a good part of every dream.  I sometimes think the best part. Once you actually have something in the temporal world it is never as wonderful as in the imagined world.

P: Yeah. Why is that?

G: A man’s reach should exceed his grasp. Or what’s heaven for?

P: You didn’t write that.

G: Sure I did. Where do you think ideas come from?

P: Oh. Yeah.  But my dream…

G: It’s happening. Right now.  Can’t you feel it?

P: I don’t know…..  I mean it’s not right here right now. But I can feel how it would feel sometimes when I close my eyes and think about it.

G: Good. Keep doing that. It’s a powerful thing to do.

P; How is it a powerful thing to do?

G: It connects you to Me. And I am connected to EVERYTHING.  When you are connected things work better. Move faster.

P: So while I am waiting … I should….

G: Connect to ME.  And enjoy the whole journey.  Look at the scenery.  Feel the feelings. Make plans.  But leave some room for surprises.  In fact, expect to be surprised.

P: I am not sure I like surprises.

G: Oh, of course you do.  Especially when they are blessings.  Little gifts. Little hints and nudges.

P: I do like those.

G: Look for them.  Open your eyes AND your heart.

P: Ok, Lord.  I love these talks with you.

G: Not nearly as much as I love talking to you. Let’s talk again soon, ok?

P: Ok.

Thoughts on Commencement

          This past Saturday I was at my university's commencement ceremony.  As always it was an inspiring and moving program -- even though as faculty, I had to sit in full cap and gown regalia in the blazing sun for two hours.  However, despite the heat, it was still an important and significant time.  As I watched the young men and women excitedly rush up on the stage to get their diplomas I found myself remembering my commencements of a few decades ago...  High school!  Our graduation was held at the large tabernacle in the center of our small town of Logan, Utah.  I don't remember anything anyone said. What I do remember is feeling like I couldn't WAIT to get out of this small town and do something HUGE with my life.  That wasn't to be for four more years, however.  I went to college in the same little town.  But I do remember talking late into the night with some of my friends after my high school graduation. We  tried to guess where we would all be in ten years.  We couldn't imagine 40 years in the future.  Everyone thought I would never marry and be some powerful business woman.  Oddly,  I was married about a year later. Proof that you really don't have a clue what is going to happen when you are seventeen or eighteen.
        My college graduation was more exciting. It really was the end of school.  The ceremony, was outside and we were very hot in our caps and gowns... Some things really don't change!  Anyway, I was so hot that I somehow managed to slide off the jacket to my dress under the gown and slither it  out through the sleeve.  I am sure if anyone was watching they may have thought I had removed my entire dress.  But it was just the jacket.  I was so intent on getting cooler that I again, didn't remember any of the uplifting advice the speakers gave us.
         Maybe graduation ceremonies aren't really for the graduates.  They are too busy thinking about their after parties.  Maybe graduations are for the rest of us--to help us mark the time that has past.   I wonder how many of our graduates on Saturday remember what was actually said.  Or how many will remember it 40 year from now.  When we are right in the middle of the experience - I think we are already ten years down the road, thinking about the future. And consequently,  missing the moment.  That very special, specific moment when we truly turn a corner. We have completed something.  We are "commencing" into our new lives. Whatever that looks or feels like.
        It's probably a good thing we really can't tell the future.  Oh, I think we can guess at what might happen. But my life didn't do anything the way I thought it would.  If I had known then what I know now... I would have tried to dodge some of the heartache. Some of the failed relationships. Some of the bad choices in food, haircuts, jobs.  But if I had avoided those things, I wouldn't have my children today or my wonderful granddaughter!  We have to experience both sides of the equation. Bad stuff and good stuff. Stupid actions and brilliant ideas.
        As I watched the breathless young people float by heading for their moment when their name is spoken, I felt a certain wistfulness for their optimism. Their shining innocence.  It occurs to me that what makes us old is when we lose that optimism.  When we have been knocked down so many times we don't even want to try any more.  The young don't know this and they run headlong into walls and off cliffs. But they do try. And some will make it just because they tried.  When we get so old that we stop believing in our dreams, we stop trying. And if we don't try ... we certainly won't be knocked down. But then we won't achieve anything either. 
       It's not that I want to be young again (well maybe fewer wrinkles...) No, I don't want to go through all THAT again.  But it is important to remember that life is always ongoing.  It is always new every day.  I really don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. I really don't know if I can or can't achieve some dream.  Just because things didn't work out 20 years ago or ten years ago,  or five days ago, doesn't mean that is what is true at this moment, today.  What is true is that this is a brand new day.  At then end of every day we graduate to another day.  And so it goes until we one day take a final step into a REALLY BIG AND DIFFERENT REALITY.  But until that happens (and I am in no hurry), I need to feel that breathless anticipation of a each new day.  I need to stand up and walk straight and excitedly into tomorrow.  The party awaits.

God Things: Talking to God

I talk to God.  Its not like I actually hear a voice. I just talk to God in my mind. All the time. Sort of a stream of consciousness thing.  I actually get some of my best insights when I have these conversations. If you are reading this, if there is something that resonates with you - great! If not, then just consider this a flight of fancy of an overly imaginative woman.  The truth is - I get a lot out of these conversations.  So literally the other day while I was talking to Him, he suggested that I write some of these down and share them.  The conversation went like this:

God: Why don't you share our little talks?
Me: Because everyone will think I am insane.
God: So?
Me: So? Why should anyone care what you and I talk about?
God: Because they talk to me too, sometimes. And I want them to know its o.k.
Me: So I get to risk seeming completely bonkers to everyone on Facebook so that they will feel good about talking to you?
God: Sure. What difference does it make what they might think?  Plenty of people already know you are bonkers.
Me: Thanks God.
God: I'm just sayin...
Me: Well - how do I know you are really talking to me and this isn't my imagination.
God: You don't know. But you have to have faith.
Me: What if I get the wrong message and transmit it?
God: It could happen.  People don't always hear me clearly.
Me: Well.. I don't want to send the wrong message.
God: And that's why I think you can do this.
Me: Well, why don't you just talk to everyone personally.
God: I do. All the time. Some listen. Many don't. But you do. I like that.
Me: Ok.  So, is there anything you want people to know?
God: Yes. That I love you! With a huge love. And that there are going to be some really difficult times ahead, but turn to me.  Listen to me. Trust me and it will be ok.  I really want to bless you all.  I am here all the time waiting for you.
Me: That scares me when you talk about difficult times....
God: I know it does.  It's not meant to scare you.  When people pretty much forget about doing what is right, tough things can happen.
Me: Well, couldn't you stop those bad things?
God: Yes, I could. But you all have free will and have to learn to do the right thing.  It's like a baby learning to walk.  He has to fall down to learn how to get back up.  What people don't know is that I actually prevent a lot of things from happening.  I extend my Grace many times.  You all have no idea how sad it makes me to see people suffer. You are all my children.
Me: But you let it happen anyway?
God: Yes.  Sometimes.  There are reasons things happen the way they do.  As humans you can't see the big picture.
Me: Ok.  I don't want to suffer. I don't want bad things to happen.
God: I know you don't.  But I am with you always.
Me: I thought this would be a much more fun conversation.
God: Let's talk about your dreams.
Me: Can we?
God: Sure.
Me: How do I know if my dreams are what you would have me do?
God: If they are good and beautiful and lovely. I am all for them.
Me: What if they are difficult or even impossible.
God: Well, nothing is impossible with me... If you know in your heart that your dream is something good, something that could be helpful to your family, your community, your world.  It's a good dream.
If it is something that is illegal, immoral... well obviously that's not a dream from me.
Me: Well, what if I want a car or a diamond bracelet?
God: Depends upon your purpose for these things.  If a car will help you better serve your family or do your job better, why not?  A diamond bracelet is really more of a gift isn't it? Perhaps what you really want is something that illustrates love to you. There is nothing wrong with any beautiful object as long as you can afford it and it doesn't cause undue suffering somewhere.  But dreams are bigger than cars and bracelets. Dreams are about how you want to live your life. The kind of impact you want to have.  The way you want to be able to serve your community, your family.  Dreams are about how to use your very special gifts to express my love to the world.  Thats what dreams are about.  Money, cars, bracelets etc. are things that come and go. They are icing. Dreams are the cake.   Dreams are about doing that thing, or going to that place that is in your heart.
Me: I like that. I like to dream.
God: I know. I like that about you.
Me: I am going to go now, God. I want to think about my dream some more.
God: Good.. I will be right here with you. Come back anytime.

Finding My Way

It seems that one week I will have figured out the very essence of life and then the next week - I can't remember why I am doing what I am doing.  Maybe that's why I like writing. It helps me keep track of all these random ups and downs, brilliant ideas, and boring thoughts.  Later when I look back at what I have written, I am sometimes amazed at some of my insights. Like I didn't have them at all. Someone else did and I just typed.  And then other times I am horrified at how mundane it all seems.  But perhaps that is how life is.  Moments of clarity followed by longer moments of fog. I heard someone compare people to the twinkle lights on Christmas trees.  Basically blinking on and off at random times. Aware one moment and lost in a dream world the next. Its amazing any of us get anything done. Its equally amazing we are capable of communicating at all.  My three year old granddaughter is the personification of my thought process.  She will come up to me and say, "Read this book! Oh look at the cat! Tigers are orange. My knee hurts." Hard to know exactly what to do with that little three year young conversation. I might try to read the book to her but her knee hurting was what was really going on.  Its sort of trial and error with little kids.  And with me too.  I think I want one thing, but in reality something else is really bothering me and I don't want to deal with it.  If I have a sudden urge for chocolate, for example, it probably means I am upset about something, or about to have a feeling.   But frankly, I'd rather have chocolate than a feeling.  It's just hard to do all this deciphering.  It's like a code. chocolate = sadness. Boredom = fear.  Maybe. Or maybe it just means I am actually bored, or hungry.  I am still trying to figure it all out.

Back to the Real World

I had a lovely week living in a fantasy world about my Big Dream. I did some research, bought some books, talked to some people, made some lists. I pretended and imagined.  I dressed the part and spoke positively.  But my research turned up some real concerns. My dream started fading, or at least shifting, changing.  And then I looked at my checkbook. And the stack of bills,  the laundry,  the papers to grade, the plumbing that needs to be fixed, the car that needs brakes.  And I had to wake up.  Or deal.  Or just lie down with a rag on my forehead.  Dreams are so exciting. They are so pretty. Shiny. Perfect. And then there is the real world. In reality things are shiny only if you shine them.  Pretty occurs when you work at it.  Perfection... probably doesn't really exist at all.  Because life isn't perfect.  Life just -- is.  Heaven will be perfect but until that happens.. and frankly, I am not in a hurry,  life will be what it is.  So what does that mean to us dreamers?  I don't know.  I know that all the art and great achievements of this world would not have occurred if someone hadn't dreamed about it.  Light bulbs, air conditioning, computers ... all came from someone dreaming up a better way to do something.  If it weren't for dreamers we would all still be collecting rocks and living in caves, and trying to stay one step ahead of saber toothed tigers.  Dreams and Faith. We have to first imagine it and then have faith that it can happen.  And then there is that leaving the results up to God part.  Even when it looks impossible.  Even if we have to adjust to what it is until we can find the courage or resources or opportunity to move toward where we would like to be.  There are time when I really wish God would let me in on what He has planned for me.  There are times like today when I feel like I thought I had seen a glimmer of light only to lose it. Which basically leaves me groping around in the dark.  Maybe it is times like this when I just need to sit back, rest and wait.  Wait for the next little spec of light.  For the next little piece of the puzzle.  Waiting. Not my favorite thing to do.  But I have done everything else I could think of to do. So that is what's left.  But while I wait I can do whatever is in front of me to be done.  And I can continue to dream.

The Big Dream

Every now and then I get a BIG DREAM.  I am not sure where it comes from. I would like to think from God. But when that big dream or big idea happens it always means BIG CHANGES are coming. And that isn't always comfortable.  Last week the sermon in church was do dream the impossible.  So I started thinking about what that might look like and I was surprised. It has been quite a while since I had a big dream.  In fact every time I have one of these "dream" ideas - they come true.  Not immediately of course.  But I know when the dream presents itself, that I am in for a major roller coaster experience.

About 23 years ago my life was in tatters.  I was a divorced, bankrupt, single mom with no money, a house that was falling down around my ears and no idea what was next. And it was in the midst of this lowest point of my life that I hatched a dream to come to Hollywood! A big dream with no logical way of realizing it.  But a year later I had somehow sold my, house, moved and had a job in Los Angeles.  3 years later I was a literary agent and soon had the big office, big salary and V.P. title.  A lot can happen with a big dream.  Then 9 years ago that dream changed.  I had a profound spiritual experience.  I had always believed in God and certainly had plenty of miraculous experiences that seemed to verify my faith, but it was then that I came to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.  As strange and as maybe cliche as it sounds, I truly was reborn spiritually.  And my course in life changed again.  It took a couple of years but through completely bizarre, wonderful and God-led circumstances I started teaching at a wonderful university and working with talented and inspiring writers and film makers.

And now a new dream is percolating.  I am not able to completely give voice to it yet because it is still in its seedling (maybe seed) stage. So I am not sure what it will look like - just yet.  But it feels big, and impossible and exhilarating.  Which is why I think God is involved.

I just don't know how it all fits together yet.  But maybe that is the excitement of new dreams.  Like a roller coaster we don't know for sure where all the twists and turns and ups and downs are, which is what makes it fun.... or terrifying.  Do you have a big dream?  You know that crazy dream that when you drop off to sleep at night you think about but immediately dismiss it because it just seems too - unlikely.  I don't mean that random daydream that just flits through. I mean that sort of nagging idea that comes back again and again.  For days, months, years.  That just may be God trying to get your attention.  That may be God calling you. Whispering to you.  Telling you to get outside your self and to see you as He sees you - beloved.  God wants the very best for us.  In Jeremiah 29:11 Hes says, "For I know the plans I have for you. For good and not for evil.  To give you hope and a future."
Are you dreaming the impossible? Why not?
Because with God all things are possible.

The I-Wants

I have the "I Wants."  You know.  I want a vacation.  I want diamond jewelry.  I want a cleaner house.  A trip to Hawaii.  A fabulous Easter dress. Strangely, my "I Wants"  always show up when I-don't-have.   Like today. Right now. I don't have the money for the diamond jewelry, vacation and Hawaii beach house.  I really need to spend my money on other things than new dresses and bracelets and trips.  Things like - brakes on two different cars, income taxes and property taxes. Really boring things.  Things that aren't sparkly or fun. Those kind of things. I don't like those things.  They may be necessary to my daily existence. But I still don't like them.  Sometimes I wish I were more irresponsible.  One of those people who just packs their stuff in a back pack and takes off for adventures across Europe.  Or one of those free spirits who seems to always have whatever they need including jet-setting friends that give them free rides to the Cayman's.  And they just pack their bikini and go.  (They also look really great in a bikini, too.)

The truth is I have NEVER been one of those people.  But today ... for just a few minutes I want to be like them. That's the problem with the I Wants. They make me unsatisfied with what I have.  And actually what I have is still pretty great.  I mean, I do have some nice jewelry and I have been to Hawaii a few times. And I do live in Southern California where the weather happens to be fantastic today and last I checked, there is an ocean - a really nice looking ocean less than an hour away from my house. And I do have cars to drive... even if they do need brakes. And I have my health and my family is healthy. We are also still paying our bills.  A big deal in this economy.  So I guess maybe I need to refocus from my Wants to my Haves.  Sigh.  I don't want to.  I want to complain instead.