Back to the Real World

I had a lovely week living in a fantasy world about my Big Dream. I did some research, bought some books, talked to some people, made some lists. I pretended and imagined.  I dressed the part and spoke positively.  But my research turned up some real concerns. My dream started fading, or at least shifting, changing.  And then I looked at my checkbook. And the stack of bills,  the laundry,  the papers to grade, the plumbing that needs to be fixed, the car that needs brakes.  And I had to wake up.  Or deal.  Or just lie down with a rag on my forehead.  Dreams are so exciting. They are so pretty. Shiny. Perfect. And then there is the real world. In reality things are shiny only if you shine them.  Pretty occurs when you work at it.  Perfection... probably doesn't really exist at all.  Because life isn't perfect.  Life just -- is.  Heaven will be perfect but until that happens.. and frankly, I am not in a hurry,  life will be what it is.  So what does that mean to us dreamers?  I don't know.  I know that all the art and great achievements of this world would not have occurred if someone hadn't dreamed about it.  Light bulbs, air conditioning, computers ... all came from someone dreaming up a better way to do something.  If it weren't for dreamers we would all still be collecting rocks and living in caves, and trying to stay one step ahead of saber toothed tigers.  Dreams and Faith. We have to first imagine it and then have faith that it can happen.  And then there is that leaving the results up to God part.  Even when it looks impossible.  Even if we have to adjust to what it is until we can find the courage or resources or opportunity to move toward where we would like to be.  There are time when I really wish God would let me in on what He has planned for me.  There are times like today when I feel like I thought I had seen a glimmer of light only to lose it. Which basically leaves me groping around in the dark.  Maybe it is times like this when I just need to sit back, rest and wait.  Wait for the next little spec of light.  For the next little piece of the puzzle.  Waiting. Not my favorite thing to do.  But I have done everything else I could think of to do. So that is what's left.  But while I wait I can do whatever is in front of me to be done.  And I can continue to dream.

The Big Dream

Every now and then I get a BIG DREAM.  I am not sure where it comes from. I would like to think from God. But when that big dream or big idea happens it always means BIG CHANGES are coming. And that isn't always comfortable.  Last week the sermon in church was do dream the impossible.  So I started thinking about what that might look like and I was surprised. It has been quite a while since I had a big dream.  In fact every time I have one of these "dream" ideas - they come true.  Not immediately of course.  But I know when the dream presents itself, that I am in for a major roller coaster experience.

About 23 years ago my life was in tatters.  I was a divorced, bankrupt, single mom with no money, a house that was falling down around my ears and no idea what was next. And it was in the midst of this lowest point of my life that I hatched a dream to come to Hollywood! A big dream with no logical way of realizing it.  But a year later I had somehow sold my, house, moved and had a job in Los Angeles.  3 years later I was a literary agent and soon had the big office, big salary and V.P. title.  A lot can happen with a big dream.  Then 9 years ago that dream changed.  I had a profound spiritual experience.  I had always believed in God and certainly had plenty of miraculous experiences that seemed to verify my faith, but it was then that I came to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.  As strange and as maybe cliche as it sounds, I truly was reborn spiritually.  And my course in life changed again.  It took a couple of years but through completely bizarre, wonderful and God-led circumstances I started teaching at a wonderful university and working with talented and inspiring writers and film makers.

And now a new dream is percolating.  I am not able to completely give voice to it yet because it is still in its seedling (maybe seed) stage. So I am not sure what it will look like - just yet.  But it feels big, and impossible and exhilarating.  Which is why I think God is involved.

I just don't know how it all fits together yet.  But maybe that is the excitement of new dreams.  Like a roller coaster we don't know for sure where all the twists and turns and ups and downs are, which is what makes it fun.... or terrifying.  Do you have a big dream?  You know that crazy dream that when you drop off to sleep at night you think about but immediately dismiss it because it just seems too - unlikely.  I don't mean that random daydream that just flits through. I mean that sort of nagging idea that comes back again and again.  For days, months, years.  That just may be God trying to get your attention.  That may be God calling you. Whispering to you.  Telling you to get outside your self and to see you as He sees you - beloved.  God wants the very best for us.  In Jeremiah 29:11 Hes says, "For I know the plans I have for you. For good and not for evil.  To give you hope and a future."
Are you dreaming the impossible? Why not?
Because with God all things are possible.

The I-Wants

I have the "I Wants."  You know.  I want a vacation.  I want diamond jewelry.  I want a cleaner house.  A trip to Hawaii.  A fabulous Easter dress. Strangely, my "I Wants"  always show up when I-don't-have.   Like today. Right now. I don't have the money for the diamond jewelry, vacation and Hawaii beach house.  I really need to spend my money on other things than new dresses and bracelets and trips.  Things like - brakes on two different cars, income taxes and property taxes. Really boring things.  Things that aren't sparkly or fun. Those kind of things. I don't like those things.  They may be necessary to my daily existence. But I still don't like them.  Sometimes I wish I were more irresponsible.  One of those people who just packs their stuff in a back pack and takes off for adventures across Europe.  Or one of those free spirits who seems to always have whatever they need including jet-setting friends that give them free rides to the Cayman's.  And they just pack their bikini and go.  (They also look really great in a bikini, too.)

The truth is I have NEVER been one of those people.  But today ... for just a few minutes I want to be like them. That's the problem with the I Wants. They make me unsatisfied with what I have.  And actually what I have is still pretty great.  I mean, I do have some nice jewelry and I have been to Hawaii a few times. And I do live in Southern California where the weather happens to be fantastic today and last I checked, there is an ocean - a really nice looking ocean less than an hour away from my house. And I do have cars to drive... even if they do need brakes. And I have my health and my family is healthy. We are also still paying our bills.  A big deal in this economy.  So I guess maybe I need to refocus from my Wants to my Haves.  Sigh.  I don't want to.  I want to complain instead.

The Balancing Act

A while back I was talking to a friend and told her I felt like I was one of those people in the circus who stands on a see saw and balances plates on poles and keeps all of them spinning. They start with one plate, then add two and soon they are balancing on one leg and spinning plates on both hands, the top of their head, and even on their nose. It feels like a perfect metaphor for my life.

My friend asked me why I didn't just let some of those plates drop.  A good question. But which plates do I let drop? Would it be the mother plate? The teacher plate? The wife plate? The friend plate?  The graduate student plate? And of course my real fear is if one of these plates drop then they are all going to start dropping!   Just writing about this makes me tired.  But it also reminds me that when I believe that I am the only one spinning the plates then eventually they are all going to drop. 

The problem with this viewpoint is that it puts me square in the center of the universe.  And I'm not. God is. When God is in the center of the universe (As He always is and should be) then He gets to spin the plates and I can step off the the balance beam. In truth the only thing I really need to keep in balance is my relationship with God.  And if you really think about it - God is so big and I am so little that there is no way to stay in balance with God except to allign myself with His will and let Him do the balancing act.   So how do I do this?  I start by letting go.  I let everyone in my life live their lives in the best way they can.  I let God direct my steps.  I pray and ask for guidance when I need it and then I let God take the rest. I stop worrying. Fretting. Spinning.  I trust.  I trust that God will give me the strength, knowledge, time or whatever else I need when I need it, and then I try to enjoy each day, each moment as it come.  Sounds simple but it's not so easy for a veteran plate spinner like me.  Oddly, I was never very good at spinning plates. Actually not good at all.  I would have never made it to Barnum and Bailey.  So, today or at least for the next few minutes I am going to let the Master do this work for me.   He is actually pretty good at it.

Harvesting the Fruit of the Spirit!

As life has gotten more hectic I find I need all the help I can get. Often I find that help on my book shelf. One of my favorite books is A Woman's Walk With God by Elizabeth George. The book reminds me of how I need to be showing the "fruit of the spirit" in my daily life.  But the book doesn't leave me there. Its is a wonderful guide in HOW to do that. I recently wrote a review on George's book on HubPages. If you are finding yourself looking for some spiritual guidance based on Biblical principals, check it out!
A Must Read for Christian Women!

Living in Reality

I am trying to be honest these days. Not that I was ever really dishonest.. I guess what I really mean is I am trying to honestly look at everything.  How I feel, what needs to be done, what makes me happy, what makes me unhappy. Now I know that some people are always in touch with their feelings etc.  For me, I tend to feel things about three days later.  Something bad can happen and I seem to cope fabulously initially and then collapse later.   Like three days later. Or maybe later than that. This can be an annoying problem because sometimes when I am feeling down, or depressed or fearful - its about something that happened three days ago. And I can't always remember what happened three days ago.  So today I am trying to live in reality. Today's reality.  Feeling all my feelings today.  Accepting whatever is going on as it really is... today.  I am not completely sure I like this.  It's easier to accept yesterday because it has already happened and what can you do about it?  I mean if I have to accept today on its own terms I might have to be honest about my feelings in the present moment.  Oddly, nothing bad is going on today... but I have that "waiting for the other shoe to drop" kind of feeling.  In fact I am not aware of any shoes that have dropped.  A shoe might have dropped three days ago. But I can't remember. So why am I feeling this way?  This is the kind of trouble I get into when I attempt to live in a present moment.  If I can wait three days, it gives me perspective on whatever was going on and I can decide how I should feel then... Hmmm. I don't know how I feel about that.
I guess I will find out in a couple of days.

Its the litte stuff that drives me Crazy!

I don't know about the rest of you but does it seem like when something breaks down, everything breaks down? We are beset currently with car problems and internet modem problems. Meaning we can't get anywhere in either the real or virtual worlds.  All our cars have oil issues. I just replaced a computer several weeks ago only to have my home modem's cord get chewed through by my cat. And of course, after visiting various AT&T stores, come to find out that the modem is old and there is no replacement for the cord. So now 100 bucks later a NEW modem will be coming my way... eventually. For some reason I can deal, with earthquakes, mud slides and death easier than I can with this stuff. It is maddening. Maddening because it is so small and yet affects everything I do.  I work a lot from home so I have to have a working internet connection. Obviously a car is critical if I ever want to leave my house. So here I am, limping along on some default connection that is probably my neighbor's and hoping my car doesn't burn up because of loss of oil. 
Still when I put all of this into perspective... say Haiti - I really am still ok. Crazy maybe, but ok nevertheless.