End of the Summer Blues

Since I am a teacher, my summer is coming to a close very quickly. Next week will begin the whirlwind of the new semester. Lots of meetings, stuff to read, questions to answer and course descriptions to write. And just as that week comes to a close the students arrive. I love my job. I love teaching. I love the students. But that doesn't mean that I won't miss my lovely lazy summer days.

This past summer I had a number of things that I was supposed to do, but because of scheduling and economics I spent my vacation at home.... doing.... nothing. Well, nothing by society's standards. Obviously I must have done something. I sat on my front porch with my granddaughter and watched butterflies. I read her books about dinosaurs and monkeys. I watched reruns with my husband and daughter. I drank lots of stylish Starbuck's coffee, read lots of books, went to the beach, visited my mom and dreamed big dreams.

In my Fall, Spring and Winter life I am too hopelessly over committed to do such luxurious things. If the economy had been more favorable we would have probably traveled more, spent more, shopped more. But this summer was more like my childhood summers of old where money didn't dictate happiness. Joy came from the natural rhythms of life.

Knowing summer was coming to and end, I have been resisting this change back to my workday self for the past two weeks. Dreading it really. I wish it could be summer always. But I guess life can't have an up without a down. We need to be busy so we can understand what calm is. It wouldn't be a vacation if we didn't have something to take a break from. But summer isn't over yet. I do have six more days left. I am going to try to take advantage of them. I am going to stay up late, take a nap and squeeze in at least one more day at the beach! And my husband keeps reminding me that summer is actually not over until September 21st. Hmmm... I wonder if I could just call in sick until then....Probably not. I guess I better get busy and finish relaxing!

Midsummer God Thoughts

P: Hi God.

G: Hi Peggy.

P: I am having a hard day.

G: I can see that. What can I help you with?

P: Well. I don’t know – that’s the problem. I just can’t seem to get my act together, today. I am not eating well. I have been feeling sad. I feel like I want to accomplish something, but there isn’t anything I want to accomplish. I feel old. I feel tired. I feel like life and particularly my summer is slipping away.

G: Why are you feeling like this?

P: Because I am old and tired and summer is slipping away.

G: Hmmm … I guess that depends on your perspective.

P: Well – you have the ability to be omniscient. You KNOW what’s going to happen. I don’t.

G: I don’t mean that kind of perspective. I mean, how you look at each day. Each moment of each day. I think you are trying to live in the future. And that is impossible – at least for you.

P: I am living in the future?

G: Well.. you say summer is slipping away. Summer just is a group of days on a calendar. Summer is a season. You are seeing it all completed and you’re back at the whirlwind of work. You are seeing a string of events instead of a continuous present.

P: Ugh. I don’t know if I like living in the present.

G: Why not?

P: All the stuff I have to really deal with.

G: Now we are getting somewhere

P: Ok. The air conditioner is broken. We don’t have any money. I am waiting to hear about a medical procedure. I am worried about my granddaughter. I gained 3 pounds on vacation. And I haven’t completed all the projects that I had planned for the summer. And those are just the big things. My shoulder hurts. I have phone calls to return. I am not liking my hair color.

G: So what is really wrong is that you are dissatisfied with things as they are today.

P: I guess so.

G: What if you looked at the things that are working. The good things. Perhaps that could help.

P: Like?

G: Ok. Your bills are paid.

P: Ok.

G: The weather is pleasant outside.. so you aren’t suffering for lack of an air conditioner today.

P: Ok.

G: You have me to talk to.

P: Well, yeah.. ok. Don't get me wrong.. I love you. It's just that you're invisible.

G: I know. That makes it hard for a lot of people. But to continue.
You still have a job.. a lot of people don’t.

P: Yes.

G: A job you like.

P: Yes… Ok. You are right.

G: You still have three weeks left to do whatever you want. For some people that is their entire vacation for a year. And of course most of the people on the planet don't have vacations at all.

P: Sigh. I guess when you put it that way...

G: Why don’t you think of some things?

P: All right. My family is healthy.

G: Good.

P: I am healthy.

G: A wonderful thing.

P: I like my wind chimes. They are very soothing.

G: I like wind chimes too. Wind is a cool thing, isn't it? It's invisible too and yet you can see it's effects. Hmmm....

P: Thats a very profound thought.

G: I try my best.

P: Ok. I also like my cats.

G: Cats are one of my favorite inventions.

P: I like my computer I am using right now.

G: Keep going.

P: Its very quiet and peaceful in the house right now and I like the way the sun filters through my sky light into my living room...But I am feeling sad, God.

G: Because you think time is passing by?

P: Yes. It’s like I was 16 a couple of months ago and 35 yesterday. I turn around and another 25 years flew by. Everyone is 20, 30 years older (and look it). Children have grown up, parents have grown older or passed away. Television is in color now. My life has gone too fast.

G: A lifetime really is just a blip in the continuum of eternity. But eternity is really just the present moment forever.

P: Hmm. What if I don't like my present moment?

G: That would be a problem. Luckily the present goes from moment to moment. And you're present can change... in a moment. It's really up to you.

P: It's up to me?

G: Yes, you get to decide how you spend your moments. You can be miserable, looking at all the awful stuff or you can be joyful. Personally, I prefer joyful. Look for the beautiful, the lovely things. They are everywhere.

P: Joyful, huh?

G: Yep.

P: So I can just decide.

G: Yes, that's pretty much it.

P: All right God. I am going to do it. I am going to decide to be joyful for the rest of the day.

G: Good plan. But just try being joyful right now. And let the rest of the day take care of itself.

P: Thank you God. I love you.

G: I love you too Peggy!

Ahhh... Summer!

          Ever since I started teaching again five years ago,  I have discovered summer again.  Twenty years prior in my business life,  I worked a 60 hour week with a two week a year vacation.  Oh, we got days off for Christmas and New Years and Thanksgiving but the rest of the year... working. Autumn, Winter, Spring and Summer. Every day... five days a week and weekends to catch up on reading etc.        
        So now that I am back in the educational world I get to rediscover summer. And its a big deal. Since I am a bit of a workaholic, summer is a really important time for me.  My family jokes that when I am on vacation they have to work.  That's because I have plans. Big plans. To clean the back room, get the yard under control, clean out closets. But that isn't what summer should be about. So I am doing something a bit different this year.  This year Summer is about dreaming. Summer is about watching clouds. Summer is about literally smelling the roses.  Summer is sitting on the porch with a cup of coffee and watching the sun set. Summer is reading a completely frivolous novel. Summer is easy unconfining clothes and lemonade (sugar free). Summer is listening to my wind chimes and watching for my favorite white butterflies that visit my flowers. Summer is going to the beach and going to the zoo and going to visit my mom. Summer is about what life should always be about. Living. Enjoying family.  Enjoying the surroundings I have worked so hard to have.  Perhaps the real question is -  why do I wait until summer to enjoy all that life has to offer?  I believe sunsets happen EVERY day. And here in California flowers bloom pretty much year round.  In my neck of the woods there is a Starbucks on every corner and plenty of books to read.  And do I really have to wear stupid uncomfortable clothes to work?

          I remember my summers as a little girl. My parents both were college teachers so we got the long summers off. And it was off to my grandmother's house in Texas.  We would stay for a month.  A month of swimming and ice cream sandwiches. A month of playing out in her huge back yard while the adults sat in lawn chairs talking into early evening.   We sat in the porch swing in the morning and took naps in the afternoon. We ate barbecue, green beans, gumbo.  And we went to the library and checked out lots of books. It was a time when we weren't all so glued to our computers and TV's.

Lately, we have stopped watching so much television in our house.  And I have discovered music again and the outdoors.  Summer does that.  It gets us back in touch with a different time. And I want to relish every moment.  My newest dream is to live summer all year long.  It is a dream. But I am working on it! What were your summer memories. What will your memories be this year?

God Thoughts: Waiting

In an earlier post I talked about my “talks” with God.   Here is another one I had just a couple of days ago.

P: Hey God.

G: Yeah.

P: You know that big dream I have?

G: Yeah.

P: Well I am having a hard time waiting for it.

G: Uh hmm…

P: Well, you know - it’s going to take such a long time and…

G: Why do you think it’s going to take a long time?

P: Well, it’s just so big.

G: So?

P: So, I mean a lot of things have to happen.  Money things, house things, people things.

G: And?

P: Well those things don’t just happen overnight.

G: Why do you think that?

P: Because that is reality.

G: Whose reality?

P: My… reality.

G: Exactly.

P: So what do you mean?

G: I mean you always live in YOUR reality.  Which is well, very limited.  So of course you think things are going to happen slowly.

P: Are you saying I shouldn’t be realistic?

G: What is realistic? If you mean by REAListic - - your temporal world,  then it is important for you to behave according to the natural laws of the universe. But you have to leave room for ME to move.  If you don’t want me to move – or don’t expect it – why should I surprise you?  I really do try to give you mostly what you want. On the other hand if you have some expectancy… I might surpass your expectations.

P: You mean you could make things happen faster?

G: Sure, if you will let me.

P: How do I do that?

G: You have to have that….little thing called FAITH.

P: Ugh. That again.

G: Well, you have enough faith to be talking to me right now.

P: Yeah, but this could be my imagination.

G: True.  But it COULD be ME.

P: True….

G: Why not pick door number 2? What difference would it make?

P: Well, if you are just my overactive imagination then I will be disappointed.

G: And if I am not your imagination?

P: Well, then I guess maybe, big things could happen.

G: And even if huge things didn’t happen instantly, and if you kept believing and you saw something really occur – what then?

P: Well… it might mean you were more than my imagination.

G: Have I kept my word in the past when I said I would do something?

P: Well, yes, mostly.   Ok. Yes.

G: Have there been things that have happened in your life that you prayed to me about and when they happened it seemed either really coincidental or maybe even actually miraculous?  Yes or no?

P: Yes.

G: One thing, a couple of things?

P: Lots of things.

G:  Not bad for your “imagination”.

P: Ok. You are right.

G: Hmmm.  Seems like there is no downside to a healthy dose of faith.

P: What about the disappointment thing?

G: Well, you’ll just have to wait and see.

P: So we get back to the waiting thing.

G: Has it occurred to you that your dream has already happened?

P: Uh, no.

G: Or is in the process of happening. That what you are living right now IS part of the dream.  The delicious anticipation. The planning. The imagining.  That is a good part of every dream.  I sometimes think the best part. Once you actually have something in the temporal world it is never as wonderful as in the imagined world.

P: Yeah. Why is that?

G: A man’s reach should exceed his grasp. Or what’s heaven for?

P: You didn’t write that.

G: Sure I did. Where do you think ideas come from?

P: Oh. Yeah.  But my dream…

G: It’s happening. Right now.  Can’t you feel it?

P: I don’t know…..  I mean it’s not right here right now. But I can feel how it would feel sometimes when I close my eyes and think about it.

G: Good. Keep doing that. It’s a powerful thing to do.

P; How is it a powerful thing to do?

G: It connects you to Me. And I am connected to EVERYTHING.  When you are connected things work better. Move faster.

P: So while I am waiting … I should….

G: Connect to ME.  And enjoy the whole journey.  Look at the scenery.  Feel the feelings. Make plans.  But leave some room for surprises.  In fact, expect to be surprised.

P: I am not sure I like surprises.

G: Oh, of course you do.  Especially when they are blessings.  Little gifts. Little hints and nudges.

P: I do like those.

G: Look for them.  Open your eyes AND your heart.

P: Ok, Lord.  I love these talks with you.

G: Not nearly as much as I love talking to you. Let’s talk again soon, ok?

P: Ok.

Thoughts on Commencement

          This past Saturday I was at my university's commencement ceremony.  As always it was an inspiring and moving program -- even though as faculty, I had to sit in full cap and gown regalia in the blazing sun for two hours.  However, despite the heat, it was still an important and significant time.  As I watched the young men and women excitedly rush up on the stage to get their diplomas I found myself remembering my commencements of a few decades ago...  High school!  Our graduation was held at the large tabernacle in the center of our small town of Logan, Utah.  I don't remember anything anyone said. What I do remember is feeling like I couldn't WAIT to get out of this small town and do something HUGE with my life.  That wasn't to be for four more years, however.  I went to college in the same little town.  But I do remember talking late into the night with some of my friends after my high school graduation. We  tried to guess where we would all be in ten years.  We couldn't imagine 40 years in the future.  Everyone thought I would never marry and be some powerful business woman.  Oddly,  I was married about a year later. Proof that you really don't have a clue what is going to happen when you are seventeen or eighteen.
        My college graduation was more exciting. It really was the end of school.  The ceremony, was outside and we were very hot in our caps and gowns... Some things really don't change!  Anyway, I was so hot that I somehow managed to slide off the jacket to my dress under the gown and slither it  out through the sleeve.  I am sure if anyone was watching they may have thought I had removed my entire dress.  But it was just the jacket.  I was so intent on getting cooler that I again, didn't remember any of the uplifting advice the speakers gave us.
         Maybe graduation ceremonies aren't really for the graduates.  They are too busy thinking about their after parties.  Maybe graduations are for the rest of us--to help us mark the time that has past.   I wonder how many of our graduates on Saturday remember what was actually said.  Or how many will remember it 40 year from now.  When we are right in the middle of the experience - I think we are already ten years down the road, thinking about the future. And consequently,  missing the moment.  That very special, specific moment when we truly turn a corner. We have completed something.  We are "commencing" into our new lives. Whatever that looks or feels like.
        It's probably a good thing we really can't tell the future.  Oh, I think we can guess at what might happen. But my life didn't do anything the way I thought it would.  If I had known then what I know now... I would have tried to dodge some of the heartache. Some of the failed relationships. Some of the bad choices in food, haircuts, jobs.  But if I had avoided those things, I wouldn't have my children today or my wonderful granddaughter!  We have to experience both sides of the equation. Bad stuff and good stuff. Stupid actions and brilliant ideas.
        As I watched the breathless young people float by heading for their moment when their name is spoken, I felt a certain wistfulness for their optimism. Their shining innocence.  It occurs to me that what makes us old is when we lose that optimism.  When we have been knocked down so many times we don't even want to try any more.  The young don't know this and they run headlong into walls and off cliffs. But they do try. And some will make it just because they tried.  When we get so old that we stop believing in our dreams, we stop trying. And if we don't try ... we certainly won't be knocked down. But then we won't achieve anything either. 
       It's not that I want to be young again (well maybe fewer wrinkles...) No, I don't want to go through all THAT again.  But it is important to remember that life is always ongoing.  It is always new every day.  I really don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. I really don't know if I can or can't achieve some dream.  Just because things didn't work out 20 years ago or ten years ago,  or five days ago, doesn't mean that is what is true at this moment, today.  What is true is that this is a brand new day.  At then end of every day we graduate to another day.  And so it goes until we one day take a final step into a REALLY BIG AND DIFFERENT REALITY.  But until that happens (and I am in no hurry), I need to feel that breathless anticipation of a each new day.  I need to stand up and walk straight and excitedly into tomorrow.  The party awaits.

God Things: Talking to God

I talk to God.  Its not like I actually hear a voice. I just talk to God in my mind. All the time. Sort of a stream of consciousness thing.  I actually get some of my best insights when I have these conversations. If you are reading this, if there is something that resonates with you - great! If not, then just consider this a flight of fancy of an overly imaginative woman.  The truth is - I get a lot out of these conversations.  So literally the other day while I was talking to Him, he suggested that I write some of these down and share them.  The conversation went like this:

God: Why don't you share our little talks?
Me: Because everyone will think I am insane.
God: So?
Me: So? Why should anyone care what you and I talk about?
God: Because they talk to me too, sometimes. And I want them to know its o.k.
Me: So I get to risk seeming completely bonkers to everyone on Facebook so that they will feel good about talking to you?
God: Sure. What difference does it make what they might think?  Plenty of people already know you are bonkers.
Me: Thanks God.
God: I'm just sayin...
Me: Well - how do I know you are really talking to me and this isn't my imagination.
God: You don't know. But you have to have faith.
Me: What if I get the wrong message and transmit it?
God: It could happen.  People don't always hear me clearly.
Me: Well.. I don't want to send the wrong message.
God: And that's why I think you can do this.
Me: Well, why don't you just talk to everyone personally.
God: I do. All the time. Some listen. Many don't. But you do. I like that.
Me: Ok.  So, is there anything you want people to know?
God: Yes. That I love you! With a huge love. And that there are going to be some really difficult times ahead, but turn to me.  Listen to me. Trust me and it will be ok.  I really want to bless you all.  I am here all the time waiting for you.
Me: That scares me when you talk about difficult times....
God: I know it does.  It's not meant to scare you.  When people pretty much forget about doing what is right, tough things can happen.
Me: Well, couldn't you stop those bad things?
God: Yes, I could. But you all have free will and have to learn to do the right thing.  It's like a baby learning to walk.  He has to fall down to learn how to get back up.  What people don't know is that I actually prevent a lot of things from happening.  I extend my Grace many times.  You all have no idea how sad it makes me to see people suffer. You are all my children.
Me: But you let it happen anyway?
God: Yes.  Sometimes.  There are reasons things happen the way they do.  As humans you can't see the big picture.
Me: Ok.  I don't want to suffer. I don't want bad things to happen.
God: I know you don't.  But I am with you always.
Me: I thought this would be a much more fun conversation.
God: Let's talk about your dreams.
Me: Can we?
God: Sure.
Me: How do I know if my dreams are what you would have me do?
God: If they are good and beautiful and lovely. I am all for them.
Me: What if they are difficult or even impossible.
God: Well, nothing is impossible with me... If you know in your heart that your dream is something good, something that could be helpful to your family, your community, your world.  It's a good dream.
If it is something that is illegal, immoral... well obviously that's not a dream from me.
Me: Well, what if I want a car or a diamond bracelet?
God: Depends upon your purpose for these things.  If a car will help you better serve your family or do your job better, why not?  A diamond bracelet is really more of a gift isn't it? Perhaps what you really want is something that illustrates love to you. There is nothing wrong with any beautiful object as long as you can afford it and it doesn't cause undue suffering somewhere.  But dreams are bigger than cars and bracelets. Dreams are about how you want to live your life. The kind of impact you want to have.  The way you want to be able to serve your community, your family.  Dreams are about how to use your very special gifts to express my love to the world.  Thats what dreams are about.  Money, cars, bracelets etc. are things that come and go. They are icing. Dreams are the cake.   Dreams are about doing that thing, or going to that place that is in your heart.
Me: I like that. I like to dream.
God: I know. I like that about you.
Me: I am going to go now, God. I want to think about my dream some more.
God: Good.. I will be right here with you. Come back anytime.

Finding My Way

It seems that one week I will have figured out the very essence of life and then the next week - I can't remember why I am doing what I am doing.  Maybe that's why I like writing. It helps me keep track of all these random ups and downs, brilliant ideas, and boring thoughts.  Later when I look back at what I have written, I am sometimes amazed at some of my insights. Like I didn't have them at all. Someone else did and I just typed.  And then other times I am horrified at how mundane it all seems.  But perhaps that is how life is.  Moments of clarity followed by longer moments of fog. I heard someone compare people to the twinkle lights on Christmas trees.  Basically blinking on and off at random times. Aware one moment and lost in a dream world the next. Its amazing any of us get anything done. Its equally amazing we are capable of communicating at all.  My three year old granddaughter is the personification of my thought process.  She will come up to me and say, "Read this book! Oh look at the cat! Tigers are orange. My knee hurts." Hard to know exactly what to do with that little three year young conversation. I might try to read the book to her but her knee hurting was what was really going on.  Its sort of trial and error with little kids.  And with me too.  I think I want one thing, but in reality something else is really bothering me and I don't want to deal with it.  If I have a sudden urge for chocolate, for example, it probably means I am upset about something, or about to have a feeling.   But frankly, I'd rather have chocolate than a feeling.  It's just hard to do all this deciphering.  It's like a code. chocolate = sadness. Boredom = fear.  Maybe. Or maybe it just means I am actually bored, or hungry.  I am still trying to figure it all out.